My New Year’s resolution is to start blogging again! Not that my story is interesting or unique, but I hate when I am following someone and they disappear. I don’t get to know the outcome. I am nosy. I need to be up in your bidness.
Let’s rewind just a bit. After our fifth miscarriage, hubs and I went to a class to become foster parents. When we left the class hubs said that the class just freaked him the heck out and he wanted no part of it whatsoever. This really upset me. I turned green and started smashing things. We had very heated discussions about it for weeks. He didn’t change his mind. Becoming foster parents is out.
We had talked in the past about adopting if it came down to it. For some reason, he never felt the need to voice his true opinion about it. Hubs feels like he has to have his own biological child or none at all. Why he couldn’t tell me this sooner, I will never know. The emotions from these conversations left me feeling like I had been hit by a Mack. We had several serious talks about whether we should stay together.
I have so many thoughts about it. Is having children really make it or break it for me? Can I find a way to still be fulfilled even if we never have any? Will we look back when we are older and feel regret? Is our love for each other enough? I know I want to travel. Maybe I can find a career that will help me be fulfilled. It is just so hard to let go of the dream of becoming a mother. That is all I have ever wanted. I just need to move on.
I think the reason why hubs feels this way is because his father was adopted. He had an adopted brother and sister as well, but they were blood siblings. Growing up, he always felt left out. He did not want to find out who his biological parents were. He has so many issues from his childhood. He keeps the pictures that comes with the frames and hangs them on the wall. Then he comes up with stories about how he is related to this person. Batshit crazy.
Hubs said that he is worried he wont feel a connection to a child that isn’t biologically his. He said that this feeling is exacerbated by being around our nephew (his brother’s baby). He also still feels really strongly that we can have our own. The problem with this being that I don’t have any faith that it will happen. My hope for this has been beaten down so many times, it can’t get back up.
In other less depressing news. We got a puppy. She is a Golden Retriever, and her name is Lily. She is super adorable and really fun. She gets into all sorts of shenanigans. Some of which I would love to share with all of you. Pictures to come later. Too lazy right now. Plus it will give me a good reason to return to the ole bloggy.