Happy New Year!

My New Year’s resolution is to start blogging again! Not that my story is interesting or unique, but I hate when I am following someone and they disappear. I don’t get to know the outcome. I am nosy. I need to be up in your bidness.

Let’s rewind just a bit. After our fifth miscarriage, hubs and I went to a class to become foster parents. When we left the class hubs said that the class just freaked him the heck out and he wanted no part of it whatsoever. This really upset me. I turned green and started smashing things. We had very heated discussions about it for weeks. He didn’t change his mind. Becoming foster parents is out.

We had talked in the past about adopting if it came down to it. For some reason, he never felt the need to voice his true opinion about it. Hubs feels like he has to have his own biological child or none at all. Why he couldn’t tell me this sooner, I will never know. The emotions from these conversations left me feeling like I had been hit by a Mack. We had several serious talks about whether we should stay together. 

I have so many thoughts about it. Is having children really make it or break it for me? Can I find a way to still be fulfilled even if we never have any? Will we look back when we are older and feel regret? Is our love for each other enough? I know I want to travel. Maybe I can find a career that will help me be fulfilled. It is just so hard to let go of the dream of becoming a mother. That is all I have ever wanted. I just need to move on.

I think the reason why hubs feels this way is because his father was adopted. He had an adopted brother and sister as well, but they were blood siblings. Growing up, he always felt left out. He did not want to find out who his biological parents were. He has so many issues from his childhood. He keeps the pictures that comes with the frames and hangs them on the wall. Then he comes up with stories about how he is related to this person. Batshit crazy.

Hubs said that he is worried he wont feel a connection to a child that isn’t biologically his. He said that this feeling is exacerbated by being around our nephew (his brother’s baby). He also still feels really strongly that we can have our own. The problem with this being that I don’t have any faith that it will happen. My hope for this has been beaten down so many times, it can’t get back up.

In other less depressing news. We got a puppy. She is a Golden Retriever, and her name is Lily. She is super adorable and really fun. She gets into all sorts of shenanigans. Some of which I would love to share with all of you. Pictures to come later. Too lazy right now. Plus it will give me a good reason to return to the ole bloggy.

Loves

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Retying the knot

Hey y’all. This past weekend was our vow renewal ceremony. It was beautiful and very meaningful for the both of us.

I will add some more pictures of the reception soon!

I also have some news. On April 17th I went to the Dr. to have my mid-cycle blood draw. It was cycle day 25. On Friday the nurse called and said my progesterone was a little low which indicated that I did not ovulate. I just had a feeling that they were wrong, and that I could possibly be pregnant, but I knew it was too early for a positive test. On Saturday we had a service project for church. When we got home I decided to go ahead and test. It was positive. Don’t get excited because I have a part two to this story.

I had some left over progesterone so I went ahead and started taking it since I already knew it was low. I went to the Dr’s office for a beta, which had been repeated two days later. It doubled, so I started to think that this might be it for us, and that we would finally get our miracle.

On Wednesday evening, I started to have a little bit of cramping on the left side. I also started to have severe nausea. I didn’t start to worry until the cramping had me doubled over in pain. I started vomiting every 20-30 minutes. This happened all night. The next morning I went straight to the Dr’s office. By then the cramping had subsided. We had an ultrasound. We saw a tiny gestational sac. We were elated.

Things were peachy until Tuesday evening. I went to class straight from work and on the way I started getting a little crampy on the left side again. It just got worse and worse. People in my class kept asking me if I felt okay. It was extremely embarrassing. I toughed it out until class was over then somehow I managed to drive myself home. When I got home, the vomiting started up again. We called the nurse’s line. They were concerned it may be an ectopic pregnancy, so we went to the ER.

At the ER we had another ultrasound, some bloodwork, iv fluids, and some morphine. The morphine took away my pain for the three hours that we were there. It started to come back as we were being discharged. I was diagnosed with a cyst in my ovary that could possibly be an ectopic pregnancy. Also my hcg levels had dipped down to 6, which meant we were losing this baby too. I couldn’t even process anything emotionally because physically I was still in so much pain.

I continued to be in pain for the rest of the week. I was still not able to keep anything down. My Dr. saw me a few times to keep an eye on things in case it was ectopic. I had also been prescribed hydrocodone. On Friday evening our whole family was here for our vow renewal that was to take place on Saturday. I didn’t want to cancel because I really needed to be surrounded by my family.

My husband and I walked down the aisle hand in hand. It was a really beautiful moment. My emotions were overwhelming. I am not a big crier, but I shed a couple of tears. Especially during our vows when he said the part about “in sickness and in health”. It made me think about how much he had proven those exact words to me over and over in the past week alone.

When we got back to our house for the reception, I had to keep excusing myself to go throw up. Despite that fact, our reception was still filled with so much joy and love. The flowers, food, and decorations were gorgeous. I am so grateful for our family and friends for being here for us, and for pitching in with the cleanup. They have no idea how much it meant to me.

On Sunday, I finally started to feel better. I have felt a little better each day. I have one more Dr. appointment this week, but I think it is safe to say that it is not ectopic. This is our fifth miscarriage. It is time for me to be done. This decision has brought me so much peace. Hubs thinks I will change my mind. I already know that I wont. I can’t go through this again.

Our vow renewal started a new chapter in our lives. Now we know that we will never have our own children.We WILL be parents though. We are going to explore other options for building our family.Hubs is not quite ready to cross this path. I just hope that his desire for his own child doesn’t outweigh his love for me.I could never see that happening, but it is still something that I worry about.

 

 

Mustang Sally

We did it! We pulled the trigger and bought our new Mustang. We went to the dealership after work this evening. I wasn’t expecting to buy a car today, but we got a good deal. We go back to pick it up tomorrow. Cue the heart palpitations. This is an excellent way to get my mind off of this two week wait. Even though I already feel like it didn’t work. I just don’t “feel” pregnant. Last year my best friend and her husband bought a new Mustang, then the next month they found out they were expecting. I wish that would happen to us.

This past weekend we went to Gatlinburg  again. We went snow tubing with another couple. It was a blast! The weather was gorgeous. It was 60 degrees so we didn’t even have to wear our coats. We got a little sunburned too. It was a little strange to be playing in the snow without having to wear a coat, but that  is Tennessee for you. If you have never visited the Smokies, please do! It is beautiful! I am so thankful I live so close to such beauty.

I hope we all get good news soon.

 

He’s Back!

I went and picked him up from the airport early this evening. I missed him like crazy!! All the ladies at work said that after we have been married for a long time, I will be happy for the break when he is out of town. We have already been married for almost seven years, so I don’t see that happening. Ever. He is really my best friend. Plus, I hate being home alone at night. Sometimes it is nice to have some time to be by yourself though.

Today is cycle day 13. I usually ovulate on day 17 or 18. I haven’t even been using OPKs. Maybe I will just skip that process this month. There’s no point in wasting the $ on it when my cycle has gotten to be pretty predictable. One thing that does bug me about all this is, every time I have my mid-cycle blood draw it costs us $80. Our insurance wont cover it. I thought they were supposed to. They cover everything that is diagnostic, but nothing that is considered treatment. I don’t understand how having my blood drawn is considered treatment, but whatever. I will pay it if it means we know for sure my body has the correct amount of hormones to support a pregnancy if and when it happens again. I will not waste $ on pregnancy tests this time either. I am going to wait to test until I am late. Easier said than done. I always say that I need to know as soon as possible so I can start Lovenox. I don’t think a few days will make a huge difference.

Hubs said that one of his coworkers that traveled with him had a welcoming committee at the airport. It was his wife and two little girls. They had a welcome sign and everything. Hubs said he wishes we had a couple of little girls. I do too. So bad. I wish I could give him a baby. I can’t help but feel like it is my fault for all of our losses. I know he doesn’t blame me, but I can’t get it out of my head. I want to make all his dreams come true. I want to give him everything. I love him so much.

He brought me back some Japanese candy. I have no idea what it is since we can’t read Japanese. I guess I could Google it. He also brought me some chocolates. When I opened the box, they were so gorgeous. I almost didn’t want to eat them. He brought me a tapestry of Nagoya Castle. It is so pretty. We are both exhausted, and the bed is calling our names. We shall oblige. Perhaps some pics of his adventures soon? Good night y’all. ❤

Cycle 3

Well, needless to say, we did not get pregnant this time either. This will be my third round of Clomid since we started trying again. Hubs decided to share with our friends that we are trying again.  I had hoped we could just keep it between us for now. Oh well. Last weekend we went to Gatlinburg. We ate at the Melting Pot, lazed around the hotel, and walked the strip. We had planned on doing a little hiking in the Smokies, but neither of us felt up to it. At least we looked cute in our hiking boots. The food at the Melting Pot was so good! The service, not so much. We had a reservation, but we still waited twenty minutes to be seated. When we were finally seated it took another fifteen minutes before we got drinks. I know our waitress was busy because she had a large group. Still, what is the point in even making a reservation? It took too long in between courses. I am so picky about customer service.

I am kind of down today because I was putting everything I had into that last cycle. I just knew it would work, and when it didn’t I got really upset. Then my period has been really bad. And hubs and I were both on edge because we knew he would be leaving for Japan this week. I never quite relax when he is out of town. Especially when he is across the world from me. I know this will be a great experience for him, even though he is there for business and not pleasure. I miss him like crazy already. We are staying in touch through Skype, but we haven’t quite figured out a schedule where one of us isn’t staying up way late or getting up at the crack of dawn. I think it will work  out when he gets up for the day, because it will still be early evening for me.

Today is cycle day 6, and third time is a charm right? I am so hoping for a baby this year, and we are quickly approaching our last chance for a 2013 baby. My progesterone was perfect on my last mid-cycle draw. With any luck, my body will keep it up. Every time I look at the clock and the numbers are all the same digit, I make a wish. It’s always the same wish. This has been happening at least once a day for a while. Has to mean something. I am hoping it means we will get our miracle.

We finalized our plans for our renewal ceremony. I ordered my invites, and will send them out this week. We are borrowing folding tables and chairs from work. I am in the process of looking for pink and black table cloths that look vintage and a little fiesta-ish. We are still planning to have Moe’s catered in. I am ordering the sky lanterns soon, and I am making a list of love songs to play from my iPod. I have an appointment to pick out flowers next month. I have been getting lots of inspiration from Pinterest. I hope it all comes together. In the end though, the only thing that matters to me is having everyone I love surrounding us.

At least I have plenty to do to stay busy until hubs gets back. Then I have buying the new car to look forward to. I also started gathering information about adoption and becoming foster parents. Our first step is taking the PATH classes and do the home study. We will get into all of that when he gets back. I am just going to sit back and do some more wishing, hoping, and planning. ❤

It’s meant to be…

My OPK has two dark lines on it today! How’s that for a Valentine’s Day present? It was meant to be. Now if Hubs would just come home from work so we can get busy. Our plan was to go see Safe Haven, but I think we decided to hold off until this weekend when there aren’t as many crowds. We are just going to have a low-key evening at home. Wish us luck!

Hey Y’all

Well, we finally got moved. Moving is such a pain in the behind. Hub’s buddies that were supposed to help weren’t able to due to having family members in the hospital. We ended up having to do everything. I can never lift anything that heavy again. If moving with no help wasn’t bad enough, we also got caught in the middle of a snow storm. For us here in Tennessee, even one snowflake is enough to cause schools to shut down. It also causes all the grocery stores to run out of milk and bread. I have some lovely photos that help document the suckage.

moving2 moving moving3 moving4The fur-babies hid behind the couch.

 

In other news, today is cycle day 10. I started Clomid on day 5. I was commenting to hubs that I had not felt any side effects yet. Then it kicked in. I started becoming so ill-tempered. Everyone out in public was getting on my last nerve! I was furious at a child that would not stand still. I was even annoyed by a lady’s voice. In the end we decided not to do anymore shopping and just come back to the house and relax. I still have tons of unpacking that I should be doing. I just hope this works!

I am in love with the show Smash. The music is amazing!! I also love the idea that Marilyn Monroe’s life could be a musical. If it did come to Broadway I would definitely want to see it. I have always liked her movies, and I think she was so beautiful! She battled with infertility too. She had two miscarriages. Not many celebrities admit their struggles with infertility. Lucille Ball also struggled with recurrent pregnancy loss. She had three miscarriages.

Not many television shows are bringing much awareness to infertility. Spoiler Alert. On Grey’s Anatomy Mer-Der are now pregnant after adopting. I guess because that is what they always say. After you adopt, then you will get pregnant. Private Practice had a few episodes that delved into this sensitive subject. One is where Amelia gave birth to a baby with anencephaly and it died. Another is an episode where Jake had a patient that suffered multiple miscarriages and she had to decide when to stop trying. The last piece of utter ridiculousness is the fact that Charlotte (who didn’t want a baby and had an IUD) gets pregnant with triplets. Are you kidding me? Is it true that since we have been trying and not succeeding that I am actually looking for anything and everything pregnancy related? Or is it like I suspect and it is just everywhere all the time?

It’s everywhere on Facebook too. I have made a promise to myself that if I am lucky enough to get pregnant and stay pregnant, I will never ever post anything about it on Facebook. No complaining about sickness, heartburn, or peeing. No baby gaga tickers. Nothing!  I have several friends who are pregnant at the moment including my sister-in-law. I know this is cray-cray of me, but I feel like these people are posting every little detail about their pregnancy just to rub it in my face. A part of me knows they are just excited, but I have been hiding status updates of all pregos. I am almost to the point of deletion. I waste too much time on there anyway. We shall see.

I still haven’t really talked with my mother aside from her asking me for money. I did get her a phone card so she can add minutes to her phone. At the moment she is staying with someone she met randomly while walking down the street. Sounds safe. I hope she comes back to Tennessee to stay with my Nana when she gets off probation.

Well enough rambling nonsense for now. Goodnight loves.