It seems as though everyone is writing a blog. I never really thought I had much to say, or anything interesting for that matter. It did occur to me though that I am going through something that is difficult, and even though we feel like we are the only ones this is happening to, we are not alone.
I guess I should start from the beginning. My husband and I met at the tender age of 16 and 17. We married when we were 21. I know this is not the norm, and that most people don’t marry their high school sweetheart, but when you know, you know. God made him for me. I am not going to try to lie and say everything has always been sunshine and roses all the time because it is not. We fight sometimes because we both have bad tempers, and I tend to bottle things up inside until it boils over. I also have issues because most people in my life that I have loved have disappointed me. Mostly my mother, but that is a different story for later.
Until recently, most of what we had to fight about was money. My husband was working part-time, so my income was the sole income, and it was just peanuts. We are both 27 now and my husband just finished his engineering degree in August 2011. We both wasted a lot of time and money, and made some bad decisions. We finally got it together though, and I will finish my degree as well in about 16 months if all goes according to plan. If you are still with me I will fill you in on the wishing, hoping, waiting part.
Pending my husbands upcoming graduation in a little over a year we had decided to go ahead and start trying for a family since I had wanted a baby since we got married. We had waited so long because we wanted to be more financially secure first. We started not really trying, but not preventing either in May 2010. We were just seeing what would happen since I had been on birth control since I was 16.
June, July, August, September, October, November passed. All with nothing. I had been using the Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor. It said I was ovulating, but I wasn’t really worried because I know that it can take healthy couples six months to a year to conceive, and since I was carrying some extra weight I thought that might lessen our chances some. Plus my husband was crazy busy at school, and it wasn’t always easy to turn homework time into sexy time. I was really hoping to get pregnant before December so I could have a Christmas pregnancy announcement. No such luck.
By January I was a little worried that we would have trouble conceiving because nothing was happening. I went to my OB/Gyn for a regular check up and I had mentioned to her that we had been trying, but thus far had been unsuccessful. She was very encouraging and she told me that if we still had not had success by the summer, then we should be concerned and I should come back so she can do a dye test to make sure my tubes weren’t blocked. It seemed as though every time I signed on to Facebook, someone else I knew was expecting. I had to stop logging on for a little while because I had baby fever so bad, and I was so jealous. It was also around this time that sex was like a chore, I wasn’t enjoying myself, and I know my husband wasn’t either. We even got into a HUGE fight about it once because I knew I was ovulating, and I kept telling him so and we both felt really pressured even though we weren’t really in the mood. We ended up having sex but it felt so distant and afterwards, I didn’t have that really connected, loving feeling.
I made the conscious decision after that to never make sex a chore, in fact I didn’t even tell him when I was ovulating. I also stopped using my fertility monitor because it was too expensive to keep buying the test sticks for it when I knew around the time that I ovulated. I found out from the monitor that my ovulation was around day 21. My cycle always began on day 28 which means my luteal phase is short, but I didn’t know what that meant at the time. I also had a very encouraging friend that kept reminding me that it was on God’s time, and not mine. I tried to distract myself by getting more into church and volunteering more.
Trying to conceive was always in my mind, but it was a little further from the front than it had been previously. The week of April 16th was a busy one for me. I had gone to the Southern Women’s Show with a friend in Nashville, and I was hosting our women’s group at church, as well as it was my month to clean the church after Sunday’s service. While I was in Nashville with my friend, I knew it was time for my period to start so I was feeling crampy and just waiting for it, but in the back of my mind I was hoping it wouldn’t come. I even went in the Motherhood Maternity store while I was there. I just about convinced myself I was a lunatic. I was all set to go clean the church on Thursday afternoon. April 21, 2011. I got off work at 4:00, and since I still had not started my period, I thought I would stop by the Dollar Tree and grab some dollar tests. I had been feeling a little off, but I just attributed it to being extremely busy that week. Well when I got home I peed in the cup, squirted the four drops onto the test, and just laid it in the floor and went about my business thinking there was no way it was positive, I had done that same song and dance for almost a year. I was washing my hands and I just happened to catch a glance at my test and lo and behold, a beautiful second line had showed up!!! It was glorious! One of the most wonderful feelings in my entire life. I was elated, and I couldn’t even catch my breath. I brought it out to my husband who got the most happy, shocked look on his face. I was crying and holding it up and saying “is this for real?”. I have not ever been that happy in my entire life.
We had planned on keeping it a secret because we know that in the first trimester things don’t always go according to plan. Of course we were both so excited that we told the people we were closest to, and then we couldn’t keep our mouths shut. One of the most emotional conversations I have ever had with my Dad was when I told him he was going to be a Papa. My Dad doesn’t really get excited about a lot of things, and when he does you can’t really tell because he hides his emotions. I could really tell he was excited though, and it just made me even happier. My mother in law had found a frog in her bath tub and was talking to her coworkers about it and they told her it means someone is expecting, so she had a feeling before we even told her. I had called my OB and made an appointment.
During a normal pregnancy the OB doesn’t see you until you are about 8 weeks along, because that is when you should be able to hear a heartbeat on the Doppler and have an ultrasound to make sure everything is good. My appointment was scheduled for May 5. I was so looking forward to it, but I was having a little bit of spotting. I wasn’t very concerned because I know that it is normal in early pregnancy. I didn’t become concerned until Monday night when it was a little heavier, and a little bit of red. I decided I should go to the ER. My husband was on campus working on a project so he wasn’t even home to take me, but I just knew something wasn’t right. I got there, and I wasn’t in any pain, but I was extremely nervous. They kept me almost all night, and they poked and prodded at me, and did an ultrasound. After the ultrasound they said the did not see an egg sac, and that is possible I am not as far along as I thought. I should have been 5 almost 6 weeks so they should have seen an egg sac. When they sent me home they said my cervix was still closed so as of yet, I was not having a miscarriage, but I should take it easy and make an appointment with my regular OB. I made an appointment for April 28. On Wednesday night, I was in so much pain, I was in the bathroom floor in the fetal position. My husband decided we should make a return trip to the ER. I knew this was it, I knew I was going to lose this baby. I was devastated. Nothing could make the heartbreak better. I just tried to resume my normal life asap. I hated having to tell everyone that we already told that we had lost the baby.
My OB offered a few words of encouragement, she said that at least now we know that we can conceive, at that this may have been a fluke. I wanted to try again right away because I thought that if I could get pregnant quickly with another baby, even though I will never forget this baby, I would be able to move on and recover from the pain. One of the worst things someone said to me was, “at least you weren’t that far along”. It didn’t matter to me that I wasn’t that far along, I do agree the further along I would have been the worse, it would be, but I had wanted this baby for so long that the second I found out, I already felt a connection. I already dreamed of holding this baby in my arms. I know people around me were getting tired of me talking about it all the time, but I felt this was the only way to remember this baby’s existence. By always talking about this baby, I am honoring that this baby did really exist.
Some life changes occurred a few months after we lost our first baby. I will get to that in my next blog. Sorry this one was so long-winded, I felt the need to offer up our back story a little bit. Sorry if you were bored. Until next time… wishing, hoping, planning.