First of all, this post will be long. No one reads it anyway, it is mostly for me just to write down what is going on so I can look back. After my last post, we went camping the weekend of the 23rd at Fall Creek Falls. We had a lot of fun! I was just relaxing and hiking. My MIL was sitting on a bench with me waiting to cross a swinging bridge when a woman came by with her three kids. Then she started talking extremely loud about her pending bundle. My MIL looked over at me, I guess to see my reaction. I just smiled at her. After the woman left, I told her I am used to it and it is always all around me. I am getting good at not being upset because someone else can have a baby and I can’t. I even told her that I am finally very very excited that my best friend will have a baby soon! Not that I wasn’t excited already, I just had to get past the fact that we both found out we were pregnant the same week, and my baby didn’t make it.
Late on Saturday evening we noticed that we had a new voice mail on my husband’s phone, but we weren’t able to check it because the reception there is awful, so we figured we would just wait until we got closer to home on Sunday. We were maybe 20 minutes from our house when my husband remembered that voice mail. He listened to it, then immediately called our friend F. This is V’s husband. My best friend. The one who is expecting a baby in October. At first I didn’t know what was going on. I just heard him say the words hospital, and baby. I started freaking out! I was trying to remember exactly how far along she was, but I just knew it was way too early! When my husband got off the phone, I started grilling him. He said they are both okay. She had developed Preeclampsia and had to deliver her baby via emergency C-section at 25 weeks. He weighed 1 lb and 11.4 oz. We went and saw them. He was so so tiny, but perfect. Little man continues to do very well, and he is expected to come home by his due date.
The next week was my next appointment with the RE. I had a femvue done. Find out what that is here http://www.myfemvue.com/procedure.php. It is where they look to figure out if you might have a septum, or if your tubes are blocked. Before the procedure, they prescribed two antibiotics, a Vicodin, and Ibuprofen. I got to the Dr’s office and they did the procedure. I read online that most people find it very painful. I wouldn’t say it is very painful, but there were two times when I just wanted to curl up into the fetal position. One was when he inserted the catheter into my uterus. The second time was when he inserted air in there. I felt so much pressure. It didn’t take very long at all, and he was immediately able to tell me everything was all clear. Also, what we though was a fibroid was not, it was our baby. I don’t know why it looked like that, or why they didn’t know it was the baby. As soon as I sat up, I felt like I might be sick, but I was ok. I still felt a lot of pressure up in there, but it cleared out some after I peed. My husband said I made some facial expressions like I was in pain during the procedure. I told him it wasn’t the most pleasurable activity to ever go on in my hoo ha.
After the procedure my hubs and I were supposed to get our blood drawn for the chromosome analysis. We expected to do it right there in the office, but the nurse couldn’t find any of the certain color tubes for blood that she had to have. They had to send us across town to one of the most rundown hospitals I have ever seen. I seriously hated going in there. It looked like an 80’s version of a hospital. We looked all over for the lab, and couldn’t find it. We went to the front desk for help. The lab was in the basement. It was even dark in some of the rooms around it. We went to the little window, where the lady was having her lunch, and gave her our paperwork. She asked us some questions, like why we were there. She must have been really pissed that we interrupted her lunch, and made her get out of her seat to walk two feet to the copy machine. She proceeded to get food all over our papers. I really didn’t want to get my blood drawn by these people! I figured I would just man up and do it, since we were already there, and had already paid $2 for parking. A scary looking lady with too much makeup, and a bad attitude called us in. I was so nervous! I have had my blood drawn about 7 million times in the last two years, and this is the only time I can remember being scared. She used the biggest needle she could find, did both of our draws simultaneously, and slapped the bandage on us. I was so glad it was over! I wanted the eff out of there! About a week later those results came back. We are normal. Still no answers as to why we can’t carry a baby.
In other recent news, my hubs bought a motorcycle. Yep, wiped out our savings almost completely. But he assured me he wasn’t choosing motorcycle over baby. Ahem. By spending our savings he did essentially pick his Harley over a bitty baby. I really don’t think he realizes just how much these fertility treatments are going to cost us. I get nervous about how we will pay for it all, since insurance gets to decide if people like us can have a baby, while 16 year olds can do it all the time for free. We do have good insurance. It covers all the diagnostics, it just doesn’t cover treatment. We are now to the treatment point, so it will be out of pocket from now on. At church a few weeks ago, a couple announced their pregnancy to the congregation. I could tell that my husband looked over at me to gauge my reaction. Why does everyone do this? He said he just wanted to see if I was ok. It makes me wonder what kind of face I make when people we know announce their pregnancy. Do I look like I am in pain? Do I look very angry? I think I am smiling, looking happy for them. Maybe not?
I waited for another cycle, then called the Dr. to tell them I started my period. The receptionist said that the Dr. wanted to try another Clomid cycle, and maybe try IUI. She set up a consult for him to talk to me about it. When I went in, he said he doesn’t think we need to do IUI, since hubs and I don’t have a problem conceiving on our own. He wants me to do the Clomid, then do a trigger shot of HCG to make me ovulate at a certain time, timed intercourse, then just monitor me via ultrasound. Then they charged me $73.06 for 15 minutes of talking that I think we could have done over the phone or email even. The idea of getting pregnant again scares the crap out of me! I have spent many sleepless nights wandering about how to do this. I know if I have another miscarriage I will lose my shit! Hubs wants me to try again. He said it is because the Dr. seems so confident that we can have our own baby. I think they seemed so confident all four times I got pregnant, right up until I miscarried. This past time was just so devastating to me. I was on Lovenox, and Prometruim. It should have worked! I just want to know what is wrong with me! I want it fixed! Four times in a row is not just “bad luck”.
So today, here I am. I have made up my mind to try again. It would be worth all of this for a baby of our own. I can’t give up just yet, I am a fighter. Plus victory will taste even sweeter, when I have a baby in my arms. I will appreciate it that much more. I am on cycle day 4 and the 2nd day of Clomid. My trigger is set for the 22nd if all goes according to plan. That shot cost me $200 by the way.That is not even including all the ultrasounds and labs. I told hubs that I feel like I am under so much pressure to conceive since we are paying so much for it. He said not to worry. Whatever happens, will happen. I need to be brave and strong for our future baby. Wishing, hoping, planning…. ❤