Archive | August 2012

Short Circuit

I went to my appointment with my RE yesterday. My reproductive organs seem to have short circuited this cycle. Remember those follicles I had? Gone! I don’t know what happened. I was expecting them to have grown to be 20 mm. I have been having cramps from hell the past few days, all for nothing. I hate my body. 

After the ultrasound the Dr. said I should try 100 mg of Clomid instead of 50. I thought he meant for next cycle, which we have to skip since my hubs will be out of the country. He said to start taking it today. I am so confused. I have never heard of anyone taking it twice in one cycle. Tomorrow is cycle day 16. How is this going to work. I know you are supposed to ovulate 5-9 days after your last pill. That is supposed to be around the time for my next period. Now I don’t know what will happen with my cycle. Why can’t I just be like normal people? Most of my friends are like, I think I want a baby, then the next week they are announcing their pregnancy. 

So now I go back for another ultrasound on the 6th to see if I have follicles. I am not holding my breath. 


Still No Trigger

if you’re going to run a blog like this (aka one that will get a lot of followers) you cannot clog up people’s dashboards with asks. it’s bad tumblr etiquette.

perhaps this post was meant for the tumblr etiquette shaming blog

This pic is just really funny to me. Found it on the Dogshaming site, which is also super funny to me right now since the only babies we have are furbabies. I went to the RE again today and had my ultrasound. I have three follicles that could possibly be a future baby. They aren’t ready yet though. I think the largest one measured around 13. I don’t know how good that is for cycle day 12, but I am going to guess not so good. I go back on Monday for another ultrasound. If they are big enough, then we will do the HCG trigger. I still don’t see how this would be any different than if we just got pregnant on our own since even if I trigger it would be around the same time that I ovulate naturally.

I am afraid that it will be the same as it always is. I will easily get pregnant, then miscarry. How many times am I going to have to go through this? It is such an emotional roller coaster. I am proving to myself that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I am in a better place emotionally right now than I have been in a while. After the last one I didn’t think I would want to try again for at least a year. I decided to go ahead and give it a try sooner.

Now I am just waiting on these follicles to grow. I wonder if I might get twins since I had more than one larger follicle. I can’t even imagine. I would be lucky just to get one baby out of all this. I am trying not to dream ahead to what it would be like because that is how I always get my heart broken. Hubs too. He told me last night that it breaks his heart too. I know it does. Please God, let it work this time!

wishing, hoping, planning


No Trigger

Well today I went to the RE’s office to get an ultrasound, labs and maybe an HCG shot. When I got there I tried to open the door. It was locked. There just happened to be another patient outside, and he was calling them to see what was up. It turns out that one of the ladies that works in the office had a family emergency so she had to go, but there was supposed to be someone replacing her for the day. While he was on the phone with them he told them I was waiting for my appointment. When they got off the phone with him they called me. She apologized and told me that my appointment somehow slipped through the crack. She said the nurse was on her way back to the office.

My hubs had finally gotten there too, he took the rest of the day off the be there for moral support. When she got there it had only been ten minutes. I thought to myself, great, I can still get everything done and get my trigger shot. When she got there she apologized for the confusion. Then she said she isn’t able to do ultrasounds. Only the lady that was out for a family emergency can. She asked me if I would come back tomorrow. It wont be too late to trigger. 

My heart kind of sank a little. I understand that things happen sometimes. Hubs wont be able to take off work again tomorrow though. He pushed back his meetings from this afternoon. I can go by myself, I just liked the idea of having him there. I started thinking maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t try for a baby anymore. Maybe we should move on to adoption. I know my husband will make such a wonderful father, and it kills me to know it may not happen for us. I still am not sure about adoption.

When we left the Dr’s office we went to eat and we talked about it while we were there. I feel a lot better about what happened. It is still okay if we trigger tomorrow. It is still early enough that my body should have enough time to build up progesterone. We will see what happens. Que sera, sera. Listening to Pitbull’s Krazy and dancing. It will make you feel better.

Fifty Shades of Random

I haven’t been sleeping well the last week or so. I don’t know if it is the Clomid, or anxiety. I am so nervous about trying again. I know that I have to though. If I don’t try I will never have a baby, but if I do try I might have a baby. I can’t give up yet! Tomorrow is my appointment for the ultrasound and labs. Then they will decide whether or not to do the HCG trigger shot.

At first I told hubs I could go to this appointment on my own, but I decided that I do need him for moral support. What if they say I have no follicles? I don’t know, I just feel like I want him to go with me this time. I think I am going to use the Dollar Tree tests to “test out”. I want to see how long it takes the HCG from the trigger to get out of my system. I am just interested to see. I don’t even think that I have to worry about when to test because the Dr. is monitoring me, but I want to have some kind of control over something. I don’t want to just sit there and be helpless.

At least I have something to look forward to. On Friday I am going to see my friend’s little baby. He is doing so good! I definitely think he will be home by his due date. He has gotten so big, and he is really really cute. Not that he wasn’t cute before, but now he is super cute! She quit her job, which means when he comes home we get to hang out together during the day. I was hoping last time I went to see him, I would get to hold him. Not yet though. We will see.

My grandma called me just a few minutes ago to tell me that my dad’s ex-wife had passed away this weekend. I don’t really know what to think about that. Their relationship did not end well, and while I did like her, we didn’t always see eye to eye. After their divorce we didn’t speak very often. In fact I didn’t actually see her in person until two years ago since 2003. We were facebook friends though, so we kept up with each other through that. My grandma said they are having a service for her at our old church.My dad will most definitely not be going. I feel like I should go to pay my respects, but I also feel like it would be super awkward. I still don’t know how to process my feelings about this. I am sad that she passed away, but I feel like I didn’t know her anymore. The church doesn’t want flowers, so maybe I can make a memorial donation at some point? I really don’t know how to honor her memory.

I just saw a kid’s reaction video to the movie The Odd Life of Timothy Green, SPOILER ALERT! Don’t watch this if you haven’t seen it yet. I was still deciding if I wanted to see it since it kind of hits close to home as far as the infertility issue is concerned. This video made me want to wait until it comes out on DVD for sure. It definitely doesn’t look like it will be what I thought it would be.

I swear, I can’t even read a damn book about hot kinky sex without being slapped in the face by someone else who gets pregnant! That was most definitely a surprise for me! I am so glad no one spoiled it for me because I probably would have stopped reading it. In the end, I enjoyed the books. I think it has always been all around me, but I was never as sensitive to it as I am now.

I am usually not a crier in front of other people, only my husband. I think this stems from my family not really being open emotionally. We hardly ever say “I love you”. It is just implied. I am not like that, if I love someone, I show them and tell them. I am glad I am not like my family in that respect. One way that I am like my family though, is when people cry. Especially men. I get so uncomfortable that I sometimes wish I could just walk away from them. I don’t want to be insensitive, but it really does make me feel so awkward. I am a good listener and comforter though. Sometimes people just tell me things. I have never in my life seen my grandma cry, and I have only seen my dad shed ONE tear. That is when I was six years old, and my parents had decided to divorce. I am trying to work on this though. Sometimes having a good cry is good for you.

I had to watch The Help in one of my classes. I completely forgot about the scene where Celia is going through a miscarriage.   It just about tore me all to pieces, and I couldn’t keep from shedding a couple of tears. This prompted me to feel the need to tell the almost complete strangers sitting close to me about my story. I guess that answers my previous question about why everyone looks at me when someone announces a pregnancy. I am wishing for tomorrow to go great. Hoping to find out in a couple of weeks that we are expecting again. Planning for it all to work out, that the next baby will stay put for 9 months. Should I push my luck and hope for a set of boy/girl twins so that we only have to have one successful pregnancy? ❤

RE Results and Some News

First of all, this post will be long. No one reads it anyway, it is mostly for me just to write down what is going on so I can look back. After my last post, we went camping the weekend of the 23rd at Fall Creek Falls. We had a lot of fun! I was just relaxing and hiking. My MIL  was sitting on a bench with me waiting to cross a swinging bridge when a woman came by with her three kids. Then she started talking extremely loud about her pending bundle. My MIL looked over at me, I guess to see my reaction.  I just smiled at her. After the woman left, I told her I am used to it and it is always all around me. I am getting good at not being upset because someone else can have a baby and I can’t. I even told her that I am finally very very excited that my best friend will have a baby soon! Not that I wasn’t excited already, I just had to get past the fact that we both found out we were pregnant the same week, and my baby didn’t make it.

Late on Saturday evening we noticed that we had a new voice mail on my husband’s phone, but we weren’t able to check it because the reception there is awful, so we figured we would just wait until we got closer to home on Sunday. We were maybe 20 minutes from our house when my husband remembered that voice mail. He listened to it, then immediately called our friend F. This is V’s husband. My best friend. The one who is expecting a baby in October. At first I didn’t know what was going on. I just heard him say the words hospital, and baby. I started freaking out! I was trying to remember exactly how far along she was, but I just knew it was way too early! When my husband got off the phone, I started grilling him. He said they are both okay. She had developed Preeclampsia and had to deliver her baby via emergency C-section at 25 weeks. He weighed 1 lb and 11.4 oz. We went and saw them. He was so so tiny, but perfect. Little man continues to do very well, and he is expected to come home by his due date.

The next week was my next appointment with the RE. I had a femvue done. Find out what that is here It is where they look to figure out if you might have a septum, or if your tubes are blocked. Before the procedure, they prescribed two antibiotics, a Vicodin, and Ibuprofen. I got to the Dr’s office and they did the procedure. I read online that most people find it very painful. I wouldn’t say it is very painful, but there were two times when I just wanted to curl up into the fetal position. One was when he inserted the catheter into my uterus. The second time was when he inserted air in there. I felt so much pressure. It didn’t take very long at all, and he was immediately able to tell me everything was all clear. Also, what we though was a fibroid was not, it was our baby. I don’t know why it looked like that, or why they didn’t know it was the baby. As soon as I sat up, I felt like I might be sick, but I was ok. I still felt a lot of pressure up in there, but it cleared out some after I peed. My husband said I made some facial expressions like I was in pain during the procedure. I told him it wasn’t the most pleasurable activity to ever go on in my hoo ha.

After the procedure my hubs and I were supposed to get our blood drawn for the chromosome analysis. We expected to do it right there in the office, but the nurse couldn’t find any of the certain color tubes for blood that she had to have. They had to send us across town to one of the most rundown hospitals I have ever seen. I seriously hated going in there. It looked like an 80’s version of a hospital. We looked all over for the lab, and couldn’t find it. We went to the front desk for help. The lab was in the basement. It was even dark in some of the rooms around it. We went to the little window, where the lady was having her lunch, and gave her our paperwork. She asked us some questions, like why we were there. She must have been really pissed that we interrupted her lunch, and made her get out of her seat to walk two feet to the copy machine. She proceeded to get food all over our papers. I really didn’t want to get my blood drawn by these people! I figured I would just man up and do it, since we were already there, and had already paid $2 for parking. A scary looking lady with too much makeup, and a bad attitude called us in. I was so nervous! I have had my blood drawn about 7 million times in the last two years, and this is the only time I can remember being scared. She used the biggest needle she could find, did both of our draws simultaneously, and slapped the bandage on us. I was so glad it was over! I wanted the eff out of there! About a week later those results came back. We are normal. Still no answers as to why we can’t carry a baby.

In other recent news, my hubs bought a motorcycle. Yep, wiped out our savings almost completely. But he assured me he wasn’t choosing motorcycle over baby. Ahem. By spending our savings he did essentially pick his Harley over a bitty baby. I really don’t think he realizes just how much these fertility treatments are going to cost us. I get nervous about how we will pay for it all, since insurance gets to decide if people like us can have a baby, while 16 year olds can do it all the time for free. We do have good insurance. It covers all the diagnostics, it just doesn’t cover treatment. We are now to the treatment point, so it will be out of pocket from now on. At church a few weeks ago, a couple announced their pregnancy to the congregation. I could tell that my husband looked over at me to gauge my reaction. Why does everyone do this? He said he just wanted to see if I was ok. It makes me wonder what kind of face I make when people we know announce their pregnancy. Do I look like I am in pain? Do I look very angry? I think I am smiling, looking happy for them. Maybe not?

I waited for another cycle, then called the Dr. to tell them I started my period. The receptionist said that the Dr. wanted to try another Clomid cycle, and maybe try IUI. She set up a consult for him to talk to me about it. When I went in, he said he doesn’t think we need to do IUI, since hubs and I don’t have a problem conceiving on our own. He wants me to do the Clomid, then do a trigger shot of HCG to make me ovulate at a certain time, timed intercourse,  then just monitor me via ultrasound. Then they charged me $73.06 for 15 minutes of talking that I think we could have done over the phone or email even. The idea of getting pregnant again scares the crap out of me! I have spent many sleepless nights wandering about how to do this. I know if I have another miscarriage I will lose my shit! Hubs wants me to try again. He said it is because the Dr. seems so confident that we can have our own baby. I think they seemed so confident all four times I got pregnant, right up until I miscarried. This past time was just so devastating to me. I was on Lovenox, and Prometruim. It should have worked! I just want to know what is wrong with me! I want it fixed! Four times in a row is not just “bad luck”.

So today, here I am. I have made up my mind to try again. It would be worth all of this for a baby of our own. I can’t give up just yet, I am a fighter. Plus victory will taste even sweeter, when I have a baby in my arms. I will appreciate it that much more. I am on cycle day 4 and the 2nd day of Clomid. My trigger is set for the 22nd if all goes according to plan. That shot cost me $200 by the way.That is not even including all the ultrasounds and labs. I told hubs that I feel like I am under so much pressure to conceive since we are paying so much for it. He said not to worry. Whatever happens, will happen. I need to be brave and strong for our future baby. Wishing, hoping, planning…. ❤