Fifty Shades of Random

I haven’t been sleeping well the last week or so. I don’t know if it is the Clomid, or anxiety. I am so nervous about trying again. I know that I have to though. If I don’t try I will never have a baby, but if I do try I might have a baby. I can’t give up yet! Tomorrow is my appointment for the ultrasound and labs. Then they will decide whether or not to do the HCG trigger shot.

At first I told hubs I could go to this appointment on my own, but I decided that I do need him for moral support. What if they say I have no follicles? I don’t know, I just feel like I want him to go with me this time. I think I am going to use the Dollar Tree tests to “test out”. I want to see how long it takes the HCG from the trigger to get out of my system. I am just interested to see. I don’t even think that I have to worry about when to test because the Dr. is monitoring me, but I want to have some kind of control over something. I don’t want to just sit there and be helpless.

At least I have something to look forward to. On Friday I am going to see my friend’s little baby. He is doing so good! I definitely think he will be home by his due date. He has gotten so big, and he is really really cute. Not that he wasn’t cute before, but now he is super cute! She quit her job, which means when he comes home we get to hang out together during the day. I was hoping last time I went to see him, I would get to hold him. Not yet though. We will see.

My grandma called me just a few minutes ago to tell me that my dad’s ex-wife had passed away this weekend. I don’t really know what to think about that. Their relationship did not end well, and while I did like her, we didn’t always see eye to eye. After their divorce we didn’t speak very often. In fact I didn’t actually see her in person until two years ago since 2003. We were facebook friends though, so we kept up with each other through that. My grandma said they are having a service for her at our old church.My dad will most definitely not be going. I feel like I should go to pay my respects, but I also feel like it would be super awkward. I still don’t know how to process my feelings about this. I am sad that she passed away, but I feel like I didn’t know her anymore. The church doesn’t want flowers, so maybe I can make a memorial donation at some point? I really don’t know how to honor her memory.

I just saw a kid’s reaction video to the movie The Odd Life of Timothy Green, SPOILER ALERT! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aFV1r45sAQ Don’t watch this if you haven’t seen it yet. I was still deciding if I wanted to see it since it kind of hits close to home as far as the infertility issue is concerned. This video made me want to wait until it comes out on DVD for sure. It definitely doesn’t look like it will be what I thought it would be.

I swear, I can’t even read a damn book about hot kinky sex without being slapped in the face by someone else who gets pregnant! That was most definitely a surprise for me! I am so glad no one spoiled it for me because I probably would have stopped reading it. In the end, I enjoyed the books. I think it has always been all around me, but I was never as sensitive to it as I am now.

I am usually not a crier in front of other people, only my husband. I think this stems from my family not really being open emotionally. We hardly ever say “I love you”. It is just implied. I am not like that, if I love someone, I show them and tell them. I am glad I am not like my family in that respect. One way that I am like my family though, is when people cry. Especially men. I get so uncomfortable that I sometimes wish I could just walk away from them. I don’t want to be insensitive, but it really does make me feel so awkward. I am a good listener and comforter though. Sometimes people just tell me things. I have never in my life seen my grandma cry, and I have only seen my dad shed ONE tear. That is when I was six years old, and my parents had decided to divorce. I am trying to work on this though. Sometimes having a good cry is good for you.

I had to watch The Help in one of my classes. I completely forgot about the scene where Celia is going through a miscarriage.   It just about tore me all to pieces, and I couldn’t keep from shedding a couple of tears. This prompted me to feel the need to tell the almost complete strangers sitting close to me about my story. I guess that answers my previous question about why everyone looks at me when someone announces a pregnancy. I am wishing for tomorrow to go great. Hoping to find out in a couple of weeks that we are expecting again. Planning for it all to work out, that the next baby will stay put for 9 months. Should I push my luck and hope for a set of boy/girl twins so that we only have to have one successful pregnancy? ❤

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