Archive | September 2012

Day 13

Today I am 7 days past my trigger shot, so maybe 5 or 6 days past ovulation. I have been taking a pregnancy test everyday so I can test it out. The lines have been getting lighter, but are still there. Last night I noticed some pink and brown spotting that has continued some today. I guess that means my period will be coming soon. Monday is supposed to be my progesterone test. I think my period will start before then though. I tried to tell the Dr. that my luteal phase is short. I almost always start my period around 7-8 days after I ovulate. I guess they thought I wouldn’t since they tweaked my cycle.

I do have some good news. My hubs was supposed to be in Japan during my next cycle. His bosses decided they may postpone until March. I really hope they do! I want to keep trying. I don’t want to lose our momentum. I do wonder if my Dr. will want to do anything different this time around. Maybe I should just hold off on TTC and go with him to Japan. I would obviously have to pay for my own plane ticket and food, but I could just stay in his hotel room with him for free. I haven’t been out of the country since before I got married, so my passport needs to be updated.

Here is today’s picture.

 Day 13- animal

My sweet little Penny Lane. I am so attached to this kitten. When I got her, we had just suffered our fourth miscarriage. She helped heal my broken heart. Soon it will be time for her to be spayed and declawed. The thought of anything hurting her just makes me unbelievably sad. I asked hubs if he thinks Penny is sweet. His reply “I haven’t tasted her”. Smart ass.

Hubs has nicknames for all of our cats.

Penny= Shredder, or the Fuzzy Terrorist

Violet= Ninja Kitty, or Cat Alarm

Socks=Fat Bastard (she is rather large)

 

Day 12

A strawberry filled cupcake for breakfast? What? It has fruit right? Sigh. This is why I stay fat, despite Zumba class four times a week. I have been slacking on MyFitnessPal lately.

 Day 12-What’s on my plate

 

Yesterday I came across this. http://www.squidoo.com/are-infertile-people-annoying

The woman that wrote this post is trying to help raise infertility awareness on the internet. This article was of particular interest to me. I personally don’t hate people who have kids. At times I can be jealous because I want what they have so badly. Like I said before, I don’t want my friends or family to change what they do or say because they are concerned about upsetting me. The more time that passes since my last miscarriage, the better I feel about attending baby showers, pregnancy announcements, even going with my friend to Babies R Us. It doesn’t mean I have forgotten about my babies. I never will, they will always be a part of us. They are a part of our story.

I have learned a lot about myself and my relationships in the past two years. I am stronger than I ever thought I could possibly be. My husband really is my best friend, and my rock. Infertility can drive some couples apart. I believe it has brought us closer together and made us stronger.  We are definitely learning a lesson in patience. If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. I have learned to be more empathetic. I love deeper, but also hurt deeper.

There are so many examples of people having babies that shouldn’t. When I was visiting my friend’s baby in the nicu, I realized just how true this is. So many of those little babies born to mothers who were doing drugs while pregnant. We overheard one of the mothers in there asking if she could get a hospital room to sleep in for free. She wasn’t allowed in the Ronald McDonald House because of her drug problem. Her baby was born having withdrawal symptoms. He is in a lot of pain, and cries all the time. I would NEVER do drugs while I am pregnant.

For someone to actually believe that infertility is God’s way of saying you wouldn’t be a fit parent. That infertility is your own fault. It just amazes me.

 

 

 

 

Day 11

First of all, a moment of silence to remember those lost eleven years ago. We will never forget.

Last night I was just glancing through my news feed on Facebook. I noticed something my sister-in-law had posted. She put that she is glad some people think it is okay to throw her hard earned money down the drain. I clicked on view all comments. Other people had started commenting on her status. They were curious what had happened. At this point I was too. Until I realized that she had been talking about us.

Around a month ago, before we started back up with fertility treatments, my husband’s  family decided to go on a camping trip.  We tentatively said that we were in. My mil knows our situation and what is going on. I had never been a part of any of the conversations about this trip, so as far as I knew we had decided not to go. Apparently my sil didn’t know and booked us all a river rafting trip. If she had called or texted me, I would have gladly given her back the $50 that she was out. I just didn’t realize.

I just don’t understand why she had to air it out for all to see on Facebook. My hubs tried to call his brother, but he didn’t answer. A few minutes after that, she had taken the post down. Her next status said that she was sorry if she upset anyone or stepped on any toes, but feelings are feelings. I have a few feelings of my own right now.

She knows that we have had four losses. I know she is not aware that we are trying again right now. Around the time of the trip I should know whether or not it worked this time. I really don’t want to be river rafting during that time. In my mind I know it wouldn’t hurt a baby, but I am not taking any chances. For someone who has experienced RPL, you always rack your mind trying to figure out if you did anything to cause a miscarriage to occur. I always know it is not my fault, and it could not have been prevented. I just can’t stop thinking about all the things I could have done differently. Well anyway, I am not going river rafting.

I feel like the boy who cried wolf. Instead I am the girl who cried pregnant. I wish sometimes that I had been less open about all this with my family. I feel too vulnerable having shared something so private with them. I guess at the time I felt like I would take all the support I could get. They have not been all that supportive to tell the truth. They just don’t understand. That’s okay. I hope they never have to understand. I don’t want my family to have to change the things they do or say for fear of upsetting poor me. I hate to have to cancel plans. I really wanted to go, and I know I would have had a blast.

Guess it is my turn to air things out over the internet for all to see. At least I am doing it anonymously. Anyone else have to bail on fun family shindigs for stupid infertility crap? Do you let them in on what is going on?

Here is today’s picture.

 Day 11

I love baby feet! These are little dumpling’s feet last week. This week he is over 6lbs. You can do it little buddy! If he comes home in the next three weeks, he will be the first 25 weeker that his primary nurse has ever had to come home before his due date. I am so excited for my bestie to welcome her little miracle home. I can only hope that someday we get to bring a baby home.

Day 10

The photo of the day today is my choice. In honor of Manly Monday here is one of my hubs. If you haven’t already, head on over to Stupid Stork to read the rules and join up.

 

This is the three of us at dinner. Myself, hubs, and of course Miss Blackberry. This photo is what my husband looked like at all times until recently.He had to be accessible since he worked directly with customers and workers on the factory floor. He changed jobs, he is now a process engineer instead of quality engineer. His new job doesn’t require him to be on the phone constantly.  So we dumped Miss Blackberry. She was a bitch anyway.

One of the things that attracted me to him is his sense of humor. He is always making me laugh. Sometimes he says the things that other people are thinking, but wouldn’t say. That is why his friends say he is the captain of taking things too far. I get embarrassed easily, so he takes advantage of that. Once we were out to dinner with my grandparents. I asked him if I could have his pickle. I was trying to get it, but it kept slipping out of my hand. He looked at me with a smirk and said, “can you hold my pickle?” My grandma didn’t get it, but my grandpa did.

He will pretend he doesn’t like to watch reality TV shows like Teen Mom with me. They are my guilty pleasure, but I know he secretly likes to watch too. I recorded Teen Mom last time so I could fast forward through the commercials. While I was watching it I was also doing some homework so I wasn’t paying close attention to fast forwarding through the commercials. He was looking at motorcycles on the laptop. I noticed that he was slowly paying more attention to the TV and less to the computer. At one point he asked me if I was going to press fast forward when the commercials started. Caught ya! He asked me to pause it so he could go get the carton of ice cream. Keep pretending honey.

Along with being hilarious, hubs is also a huge nerd. It’s okay, I like nerds. His head is full of all kinds of useless trivia. I don’t know how he remembers all that crap. My husband is extremely smart, but sometimes lacks common sense.  He can fix almost anything. He likes music from almost every genre. He likes to talk, and has never met a stranger. He is not the jealous type. Hates concerts. Loves motorcycles. Plays Xbox. Laughs in his sleep.

Now for a little glimpse into our marriage. We have a long-standing conversation about whether I would like it if his semen tasted like chocolate, whipped cream, etc.This is the fault of Ron White, via Blue Collar Comedy tour. I can’t remember the specific joke.  When we have dessert that he thinks is especially good he will say “what if it tasted like this?”  Normally, I just laugh along and tell him what he wants to hear. Like I said before, he likes to embarrass me.Thanksgiving a few years ago he got me good. My grandma made cherry cheesecake for dessert. He must have liked it. He proceeded to ask me in front of my entire family “what if it tasted like this?”. Oh. My. God.

We are the King and Queen of quoting movies. We quote movies and TV shows all the time.We think it is hilarious. Our friends and family? Not so much. We sometimes don’t even realize we are doing it. Often times I ask him, “What have I told you about (insert annoying activity here)?”. He always answers with “to not to”. 25 points if you can name the movie. We even bring it into the bedroom sometimes. What can I say? We are weird. “She touched my pepe Steve”. 50 points if you know what movie that is from.

We are weird: We take lots and lots of pictures of our cats and send them to each other. We send these pictures to each other with captions like “look who is being naughty”, or “someone is hungry”. We have three cats. Socks, Violet, and Penny Lane.I am purrrrty sure I was in denial about this until last week. The first step to recovery is acceptance. Seriously though, almost every picture in my phone is of a cat.

Well I am off to take pictures of my cats clean the house. ❤

 

 

Day 9

Love that this is right outside all the time.

 

My best friend’s little baby just got his NG tube removed and is taking all bottle feedings now! So close to being able to come home. It really is a miracle.

Today in Sunday School a couple announced that they just had a recent loss. I feel like I should reach out to her so she knows she is not alone. We just recently started attending this church though, and I am not ready to open up just yet. My hubs said it was my decision when we share this part of ourselves with our group. I am getting tired of being asked when we are going to have kids though.I am worried that it didn’t work. This is the longest tww ever!

They sang this song in church today. Love it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgkTk-qVbsQ

Day 8

I will not have anymore caffeine after today! I am in love with the pumpkin spice latte. I gave up caffeine two years ago when we started TTC. After each loss I rebelled by drinking a few caffeinated beverages. The past week or so I have been drinking tons of caffeine. I need to stop! I don’t want to be addicted to it again. Today was my last latte. Hence the pic for day 8.

When my Dr. gave me my trigger shot on Thursday I assured him that I would either stay up until the magic hour, or I would set an alarm. I am not sure how important it is to be on time, but we almost missed our opportunity. I can’t believe after weeks of not being able to sleep at a decent hour, I couldn’t stay up till 1 am. I will be surprised if it works. I am probably going to have to shell out another grand to try it again.

I hate when people say to me, “at least you can get pregnant”, or “at least you weren’t that far along”. Our situation is still coded as infertility with our insurance company. Our insurance will pay for diagnostic testing, but not treatment. So we have to pay out-of-pocket for all this. There is still no answer for why it keeps happening. I have had so many tests done. I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the way. I just want to feel like myself again. I don’t even know who that would be though.

Day 7

I had a wonderful day today! First I went with my friend to her Dr. appointment. Her Dr. is mine as well. She remembered my name and everything that is going on with us. I told her I triggered yesterday and she said good luck. It further reinforces the fact that I know I am now with the best OB for me. She actually cares. I love her! I think I will be transferred back to her after the first trimester.

After we left there we went to Cracker Barrel. We don’t eat there that often only because it is on the other side of town. It was really good though. After breakfast we went to visit her little dumpling in the NICU. I had such a great time there today. I got to hold him for a really long time. He has gotten so big. He is also doing most of his feedings with a bottle now. He will be coming home soon. So excited for that!

When we left there we did a little shopping. Not a whole lot. When I got home my hubs got there about twenty minutes later. We declared this evening date night since hopefully we will be making a baby tonight if all goes well. I really hope it works! We shall see. I will know for sure by the 24th. We went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse. Now we are home just hanging out on the couch for now. I am feeling kind of crappy because my blood pressure is really high right now. I am not sure why. I went ahead and took a blood pressure pill. I haven’t taken one in  a while since when my blood pressure is normal, when I take it I don’t feel well. I am starting to feel a little better right now. Just a little headache. It better go away before go time.

Here is my picture for day 7. Fruit or vegetable.

 

Wish me luck! ❤