Archive | October 2012

It’s Manly Monday

For this Manly Monday post I figured I would continue the story about how I met my husband. When we first met it was July. We didn’t really speak much during the summer or fall. In December 2001 we both were invited to a Christmas party. He said I could ride to the party with him. I said “no thanks”.  At the party he wouldn’t scoot over and let me sit by our friend Lee, so I had to sit next to him.

At this time hubs was dating a girl named Gina. In my opinion, she wasn’t his type. Once when we were closing the customer service desk down after our shifts he opened the door to the accounting room, pulled her inside and shut the door in my face. I stood there awkwardly for a moment then said aloud to a closed door “bye y’all, see ya tomorrow”. We sure were batting a thousand.

On January 12th, 2002 my friends and I were out celebrating my 17th birthday. We had dinner at Chili’s then went to the movie theater. Once we got to the theater I realized I was the only one there without a date. I felt kind of left out, but my stand-in was still at work, though he would be getting off before the movie ended. I just didn’t feel like seeing a movie anymore so I ditched my friends. I went to meet my friend as he was leaving work because he promised me a surprise.

We were going to Centennial Park in Nashville! He wanted to show me the hippie tree. It is a huge magnolia tree where people would hang their hammocks and sleep in the tree. I believe they are no longer allowed to do this. Anyway the point of all this was that my hubs just happened to be leaving work at the same time and asked if he could tag along.

We went and saw the tree. Afterwards hubs and I were having such good conversation that we decided to hang out just the two of us for a little while. He was still dating Gina at this time, but I was starting to develop a little crush. He drove me to a neighborhood that was still being built and we went for a walk. I was freezing, but the stars were so beautiful. The conversation kept flowing. He kept me laughing the entire time.

We went back to get my car. Then he hugged me (gasp!), and we went our separate ways. I got home an hour and a half past my curfew, and my parents were furious! It was well worth it though. The next day hubs and Gina had decided not to be a couple anymore. That night he said to me, “I am surprised you’re not crushed, because I have been crushing on you so hard”. Seriously y’all, this was his line! I laughed in his face, but eventually I told him the feeling was mutual. He took me on our first date the next day. January 14th 2002. Went to see a movie, (Orange County), ate lunch at Burger King, then went to a park to walk around. The rest is history.

My MIL called me today. She works as an RN at a NICU. Today she was helping out with well babies. She wanted to share with me a story about a woman who had suffered four miscarriages. This woman had a baby today. She doesn’t want me to lose hope because it can still happen for us. I am not giving up. I am just taking a well deserved and much needed break for my sanity’s sake. G’night bloggy friends. We bought a new tv yesterday, and it’s begging me to come watch it.

 

 

This is my life.

This weekend hubs and I went camping with his family. This included his parents, his two younger brothers and his brother’s wife. Yep, the one who made the rude comments on FB. Things still aren’t quite right between us, and I don’t know how to fix it. From the second I got there I had a weird feeling that she might be pregnant. You can’t just assume things based on a feeling though, it makes you crazy.

That night after she went to bed, (early) my Brother-in-law asked me how I would feel if they had a baby before us. I didn’t lie when I told him I would be so happy for them and so excited to be an Aunt for the first time. I honestly thought it was his way of telling me they are trying so be prepared within the next month or so for an announcement.

The next morning I woke up to a wonderful surprise from mother nature. Even though I was only on cycle day 22. WTF! I haven’t had a cycle this short since I was a teenager. I am usually very regular, every 28-32 days. I even took all my tampons and pads out of my bag since I thought I wouldn’t be needing it for another week or so. Luckily I had a few pads stashed, but I knew that wouldn’t last until Sunday. It turned out to be the perfect excuse to go home though.

We went on a short 30 minute hike, and while the guys were in the bathroom I took the opportunity to try to clear the air a little more about why I didn’t want to go on the last trip with them. I was telling her about our most recent miscarriage when I was seven weeks and I went to the Dr. to hear the heartbeat thinking everything was okay. It wasn’t. Then I had to go home and wait for it to happen. When I told her that, she had a look of horror on her face. That is when I knew without her saying the words that she is pregnant.

I lived in denial the rest of the afternoon. We went on a six-mile hike that was up the side of the mountain with tons of switchbacks. For skinny people this hike takes four hours. For me it took about six. But I made it. I noticed that they were stopping to rest a lot more often than normal. I thought maybe they were waiting for me to drag my fat ass up the mountain. On the way back down they got to the car before us, so they hiked the rest of the way back to the campsite.

When we finally got back they were sitting around the fire getting ready for dinner. I just had this uneasy feeling, like I needed to leave.My BIL said that there was a pregnant chick doing the hike, then he said there were actually two. I noticed the pregnant girl in the group behind us. I always notice those things. It is always around me. But I only saw one. That just further cemented it in my mind, even though they had not said it yet. I told my husband I either needed to go home or to the store. I also said that I would rather sleep at home in my own bed. I just really needed to get the eff out of there, and fast before they said what I already knew.

I was just looking at the sky begging God for this not to happen right now. I am just now starting to feel better. Then I heard my BIL say that her sense of smell is heightened. Do they really not think that I know what they are talking about? I had already put it together. I got my bag and got ready to go to the car. My MIL said she would like to ride with us. When we were just about to walk away my BIL said “before you leave we wanted to tell everyone she’s pregnant”.

I didn’t have to pretend to be happy and excited. I am! I hugged her and asked her how far along she was. She is seven weeks and her Dr. appointment is Nov. 6th so she will be ten weeks then. That explains the look of horror when I told her we lost our baby at seven weeks. Now I feel a little guilty about saying that, but it wasn’t intentional. Anyway, I really needed to leave. Even though I am so happy for them, I am mourning the loss of our babies all over again. Now she will get to have my MIL’s first grandbaby.

When we got to the car, I lost it. My MIL started crying too. I told her I really didn’t want her to be sad, I want her to be so excited because she will finally have her first grandbaby. I am so mad at myself over this. I didn’t want her to see me cry over it. I want her to think I am perfect, and that I don’t have this kind of reaction when I find out people I am close to are pregnant.

I just wish that I knew they were trying, because then I would have had the time to process it. I wouldn’t have been blindsided by it. Come to find out, my husband knew two weeks ago that they had ditched the birth control a month before. He just hadn’t brought it up in an effort to spare my feelings. He thought he had longer. I know that truth of the matter is that when people we know are thinking about having a baby, two weeks later they are pregnant. I wish he would’ve just told me. If he had told me though, I would have cried about it then, and I would have been expecting it. I could have handled the whole situation with more dignity and grace.

What if we never get to be parents?

 

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day

In 1988 Ronald Reagan declared the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. On October 15th is the Wave of Light.

 

So many people are always asking us why we don’t have kids yet. Instead of making them feel uncomfortable by telling them we have had four miscarriages, I just tell them that we are working on it. Then they follow that up with “it will happen when it is supposed to happen”, or “maybe if you just relax”. I despise people saying these things to me. It honestly helps me so much to talk about it. I just worry too much about how other people feel, and not how I feel. It is always on my heart, and on my mind.

I have a necklace to represent all four of our babies. When I wear it, people are always asking me about it. When I tell them, they always look uncomfortable. I bet they are wishing they never asked. This is my necklace. There are four birthstones that represent the month each of them would have been due. The pink heart is rose quartz for healing.

I will be lighting four candles on the 15th. For more information go to http://www.october15th.com/

 

Manly Monday

It’s Manly Monday!

 

Last week hubs and I visited our friends whose baby just came home from the NICU. This was the first time my husband held him. He started getting a little fussy and since my friend was taking an opportunity to get some things done I took him. He immediately stopped fussing and went to sleep. Later hubs said that I am good at holding babies. Then he said he is good at holding kittens.

Last week hubs and his best friend accidentally matched not once, but twice. They work together and they have a few of the same work polos. The guys at work gave them all kinds of crap. I thought it was hilarious. They went to college together, and I have always said they have a bromance going on.

I first met my husband when I was sixteen. We worked at Kroger together. It was my third day on the job, my first day on my own register. I showed up for my shift and he was on the register behind me. I immediately noticed his arm muscles, then his gorgeous melted-chocolate brown eyes. I said “hi”. He said “you need to be blue-lining when you don’t have a customer, and you need to keep your receipts straight”. I rolled my eyes and thought to myself that he was an A-hole.

And this is how we met.

Now for a weird little glimpse into our marriage. We both have a “get out of marriage free” pass. This means that if the top person on our list at any given time were to ask us out, then we would be free to accept. The only rule is this person must be someone famous, not like an ex or something. His right now is Rachel McAdams. Mine at the moment is Paul Wesley. I think we are both secure enough in our relationship to joke about this.

He is always telling me that I “chipmunk”. And  that my grandpa does too. He says it is where we smile so big that our cheeks stick out  like a chipmunk and our dimples show. He is always trying to make me laugh so I will make that face. Most of the time he succeeds. I think it is attractive when a guy has a good sense of humor. Even after almost eleven years together, he still gives me butterflies. My husband is hot y’all.

I’m baaaaack

Took a little bloggy hiatus. I am all caught up on school stuff. Yay! I think I even managed to pull off an A in this class. I still had to go to the RE on the 24th even though we all knew I didn’t get pregnant this time. I can’t believe we spent a grand for NOTHING! Every other time the Dr. gave us the go ahead I got pregnant on the first try. I think I was just under so much pressure since we were spending so much money for it this time. I am secretly glad it didn’t work. I was scared of having another miscarriage.

We are going to take a break until I am excited about trying again instead of terrified. Since hub’s trip to Japan was rescheduled for sometime in March, I think we will try again when he gets back. Our game plan will be Clomid 100mg starting on day 3 for 8 days, then trigger shot and timed intercourse. Sounds promising.

I didn’t realize how stressed out I was about my presentation for my class last week until it was over. I feel so free now that it is done! Hubs and I got into a HUGE fight on Monday. All he did was ask me when the last time I went to the gym was. He was just curious, but I thought it was his way of saying get your butt to the gym fattie. I went all  Kyle’s mom http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFtn2Ke0vwQ on his ass. Then I watched Honey Boo Boo. Worst. show. ever! I am not even kidding. I love reality shows. My guilty pleasure. But this? I am from the south, but I can’t even understand what they are saying! Do yourself a favor and do not watch this show. Made me forget all about being pissed at hubs though.

Oh yeah, and Tuesday morning I dragged myself out of bed early and went to the gym. Glad I did. I feel a million times better. I have been everyday since then except Friday. I started slacking on going to the gym when I was on Clomid. I wasn’t sleeping at night so I was tired. I could barely get through a workout. I was also having some crazy hot flashes and headaches. Oh the joys of Clomid. Fun times. I do have renewed motivation to get back to it besides the endorphin high.

Disney World! We had originally planned to do Disney when we go down to Florida this summer for a wedding. In June though the park is too crowded, and it is really hot and just miserable. Then I had a stroke of genius. Why don’t we go in January for my birthday? So we are going sometime within the first two weeks of January. Fewer crowds, cooler weather, and cheaper prices. Plus most of the Christmas decorations will still be up. Disney goes all out for Christmas. It is beautiful! We have to plan it around the new equipment trial at hub’s work. He spent about a million dollars of the company’s money on new equipment for his process, so he must be there when it comes in.

Anyway, enough of this crazy rambling. I plan on getting back in the action on Manly Monday! Laters baby.