This is my life.

This weekend hubs and I went camping with his family. This included his parents, his two younger brothers and his brother’s wife. Yep, the one who made the rude comments on FB. Things still aren’t quite right between us, and I don’t know how to fix it. From the second I got there I had a weird feeling that she might be pregnant. You can’t just assume things based on a feeling though, it makes you crazy.

That night after she went to bed, (early) my Brother-in-law asked me how I would feel if they had a baby before us. I didn’t lie when I told him I would be so happy for them and so excited to be an Aunt for the first time. I honestly thought it was his way of telling me they are trying so be prepared within the next month or so for an announcement.

The next morning I woke up to a wonderful surprise from mother nature. Even though I was only on cycle day 22. WTF! I haven’t had a cycle this short since I was a teenager. I am usually very regular, every 28-32 days. I even took all my tampons and pads out of my bag since I thought I wouldn’t be needing it for another week or so. Luckily I had a few pads stashed, but I knew that wouldn’t last until Sunday. It turned out to be the perfect excuse to go home though.

We went on a short 30 minute hike, and while the guys were in the bathroom I took the opportunity to try to clear the air a little more about why I didn’t want to go on the last trip with them. I was telling her about our most recent miscarriage when I was seven weeks and I went to the Dr. to hear the heartbeat thinking everything was okay. It wasn’t. Then I had to go home and wait for it to happen. When I told her that, she had a look of horror on her face. That is when I knew without her saying the words that she is pregnant.

I lived in denial the rest of the afternoon. We went on a six-mile hike that was up the side of the mountain with tons of switchbacks. For skinny people this hike takes four hours. For me it took about six. But I made it. I noticed that they were stopping to rest a lot more often than normal. I thought maybe they were waiting for me to drag my fat ass up the mountain. On the way back down they got to the car before us, so they hiked the rest of the way back to the campsite.

When we finally got back they were sitting around the fire getting ready for dinner. I just had this uneasy feeling, like I needed to leave.My BIL said that there was a pregnant chick doing the hike, then he said there were actually two. I noticed the pregnant girl in the group behind us. I always notice those things. It is always around me. But I only saw one. That just further cemented it in my mind, even though they had not said it yet. I told my husband I either needed to go home or to the store. I also said that I would rather sleep at home in my own bed. I just really needed to get the eff out of there, and fast before they said what I already knew.

I was just looking at the sky begging God for this not to happen right now. I am just now starting to feel better. Then I heard my BIL say that her sense of smell is heightened. Do they really not think that I know what they are talking about? I had already put it together. I got my bag and got ready to go to the car. My MIL said she would like to ride with us. When we were just about to walk away my BIL said “before you leave we wanted to tell everyone she’s pregnant”.

I didn’t have to pretend to be happy and excited. I am! I hugged her and asked her how far along she was. She is seven weeks and her Dr. appointment is Nov. 6th so she will be ten weeks then. That explains the look of horror when I told her we lost our baby at seven weeks. Now I feel a little guilty about saying that, but it wasn’t intentional. Anyway, I really needed to leave. Even though I am so happy for them, I am mourning the loss of our babies all over again. Now she will get to have my MIL’s first grandbaby.

When we got to the car, I lost it. My MIL started crying too. I told her I really didn’t want her to be sad, I want her to be so excited because she will finally have her first grandbaby. I am so mad at myself over this. I didn’t want her to see me cry over it. I want her to think I am perfect, and that I don’t have this kind of reaction when I find out people I am close to are pregnant.

I just wish that I knew they were trying, because then I would have had the time to process it. I wouldn’t have been blindsided by it. Come to find out, my husband knew two weeks ago that they had ditched the birth control a month before. He just hadn’t brought it up in an effort to spare my feelings. He thought he had longer. I know that truth of the matter is that when people we know are thinking about having a baby, two weeks later they are pregnant. I wish he would’ve just told me. If he had told me though, I would have cried about it then, and I would have been expecting it. I could have handled the whole situation with more dignity and grace.

What if we never get to be parents?

 

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One thought on “This is my life.

  1. Wow. What a hard weekend you had (that’s putting it mildly).

    Still, even after all the drama you were happy for you SIL and that says a lot about you! (all good things).

    Thinking of you. Hopefully the rest of this week gets better.

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