Archive | November 2012

Thankful

This Thanksgiving I was reminded that I do have something to be thankful for. I went into this holiday season being extremely depressed and feeling sorry for myself. On Wednesday I got a phone call from the school I interviewed at. I got the job! I am so excited for this opportunity, and I think this will turn into a great career for me.

I had been reflecting on last year’s Thanksgiving. This year was so much different. I am so thankful for this little break from TTC. We went to my Dad’s house to visit with him for a little while before he had to go to work. My family didn’t get together for Thanksgiving because my grandparents are in Argentina. My family never really had a tradition of doing much for Thanksgiving anyway. We did some years, but mostly we went down to our condo in Florida and ate dinner at the Cracker Barrel.

After we went and saw my Dad for a bit, we went to my in-laws. I ended up having a really good time. I enjoyed visiting, and dinner was really good. We didn’t make it home until almost 3am. We could have stayed, but I had to get up early to make a pie for our next dinner. Our good friends invited us to dinner at their house on Friday.

During the five hours in the car hubs and I discussed our upcoming plans for the year. I think I have mentioned before that hubs and I never had a wedding. We have talked about renewing our vows, but hubs was resistant. He felt like if we had a wedding it would diminish our first experience. I have been telling him for a while that it would enhance it, not diminish it. I even made an Xbox analogy so he would understand. I told him it is like downloadable content. See? Xbox doesn’t always ruin my life. It can be helpful.

We decided for our anniversary that we would renew our vows and have a small wedding. I went and tried on a dress that I have been looking at for a year. It was gorgeous! I brought hubs with me because I value his opinion. He felt really awkward, since it isn’t traditional for the groom to see the bride. I kept telling him that this whole situation isn’t traditional. We are already married! He just sat there and stared at me with a blank look on his face. I at least expected his gaze to soften a little bit. I at least expected him to tell me I looked pretty or something. He did tell me in the car when we left that he really liked the dress. Tomorrow we will ask our preacher if he will do the ceremony. I will keep y’all updated on plans.

I can’t believe how fast I went from feeling really down, to feeling like I am walking on sunshine. I am starting to feel hopeful about things again. Of course now that I got a job we wont be going to Disney in January, but that’s okay. It’s an even trade. We also made the decision to TTC again after my next cycle.  We are keeping this little bit of news to ourselves for the time being. I think it will put less pressure on me. This also means that we will be leaning on each other more for support.

Clomid, bring it on! I am ready for your hot flashes, mood swings, and headaches. The hot flashes will be easier to deal with now that it is cold. This just has to work. This will work. I am inspired by the ladies in the infertility community. There have been so many miracles lately. I hope I get one soon!

Dear Mom,

Thank you for teaching me about the kind of mother that I do not want to be. We are approaching the end of your prison sentence. I have not seen you or talked to you in two years. I have received one letter from you. I didn’t write back though. It’s because I didn’t have anything to say. The last time we spoke you asked me to Western Union fifty dollars to you so you would have gas money to get to work. I should have known it was for something else. I found out later that you had also asked my little brother for money and he gave it to you as well. Never again.

I need to go back to the beginning and get it all out there. Then maybe I can walk along the path to forgiveness. When I was young you told me to tell my Dad that we were going to trade him in for a new Daddy. Why would you have me tell him that? I didn’t know any better. It must have killed him to hear me say something like that. When I was six years old before you and Dad got divorced, I remember the fighting. Dad would tell us to go outside for a few minutes, but we could still hear y’all yelling. Once I even saw a tear in Dad’s eye. I found out later it is because you were trading sex for beer with an eighteen year-old guy when you were twenty-six. You cheated on my Dad! I hate you for that. I knew Dad was leaving and wouldn’t be back when he took his suitcase AND his golf clubs.

You had joint custody of us. We would visit Dad every other weekend, and for Christmas Day. Dad called us every Wednesday without fail. For a few years things were okay. I know we didn’t have a lot of money, but we were okay.Things didn’t get bad until you started dating again. I remember when we were out in public you told me to tell people we were sisters.

We had met Ron a few times, had been to his house for dinner. I thought he was a nice guy, but he was just trying to make a good impression. He wasn’t ready to be a stepfather to three kids. We didn’t even know you were engaged. We came back from a weekend at Dad’s and the two of you were married. That was a huge WTF moment for me. I was nine years old. You let my youngest brother believe Ron was his father.

You were married to him for a couple of years. He drank a case of beer himself every single night. He had the worst temper ever. He scared us kids a lot of the time. Once when we weren’t moving fast enough to get in the car, he closed the door when I wasn’t all the way in on my arm. I can’t remember all the details about him, they get fuzzy. I just know I was really scared of this man all the time. At one point I had to tell you that it was him or us. Thankfully y’all ended up divorcing, but I still don’t know how or why.

I got my tonsils taken out shortly after this. The night before my surgery we stayed over at a friend’s house for a birthday party. You went out drinking. You ended up driving your car off the road and wrecking it. The next day Ron stayed over. I didn’t even know he was there until I woke up the next day. I was so out of it from the surgery. You told me it was because I asked him to stay.

You and Ron didn’t end up back together, but he stayed over occasionally. You were also seeing a man named Danny that worked for Budweiser. He was also married. Several times you stayed out all night, leaving me to take care of my younger brothers by myself at just eleven years old. I was responsible for their dinner, breakfast, and getting on the bus to school. If we missed the bus, we didn’t go to school.

One time you and Danny took us to the lake along with Danny’s son. We were playing in the water and the two of you just disappeared. I walked around until I found you. Both of you coming out of the bathroom together. Don’t act like I didn’t know what was going on. This started an argument between us where you told me you were an adult and whatever you did privately was your business.

When you weren’t home at night, and sometimes when you were, I slept on the couch. Since I had been sleeping on the couch for a while you decided to get a roommate to help with the rent and use my room since I wasn’t using it. You had three different people in and out of there. One was a guy we didn’t know. You frequently left us alone with him. He smoked pot.

One time you told my brother and I you would take us to a movie. We got in the car and drove downtown. You said for my brother and I to wait in the car for a few minutes while you went in somewhere. It was a strip club. What the hell were you doing in there? Why did you have us wait in the car? Did you work there? So many things wrong with this situation.

You started dating a man named Tim. His family was nice. He had a good job and a nice car. We were still getting to know this man. He also had an explosive temper. Ron never beat you up, but Tim did. Usually his temper didn’t cross over to us, it was all on you. Until one day. My brothers and I had gotten off the school bus in the afternoon. We had gotten home and didn’t know he was there. We also didn’t know he was sleeping in your room. When we came in we were being loud and rambunctious. You weren’t even there. He came out of your bedroom yelling and slamming things around, scaring us to death. We thought he was going to hurt us. We ran outside, and I called Dad to come and get us.

Dad came and got us, we stayed with him. It was around Christmas. My youngest brother is the only one who went over for Christmas. This is when the custody battle started. My brother and I had to testify against you. It was one of the worst days of my life. I still loved you, but I knew we would be better off staying with Dad. I am sorry for the way things happened, but I am not sorry for making this decision. The judge ruled that Dad had primary custody. At this time we relied heavily on my grandparents, and our church congregation to get us through. Dad is my hero.

We still came to visit you every other weekend. Honestly we hated it. Tim always scared us. There was one time in particular that he scared us so much, I called Dad to come and get us. Dad also called the police. When the police showed up, y’all acted like nothing ever happened.

My brothers and I got baptized at church. We invited you to come because it was important to us. You didn’t. It hurt our feelings, but we understood. You talked bad about Dad every time we came over. That hurt our feelings too. Dad never talked bad about you, he always had us pray for you. He even told me that I should always work to have a relationship with you. I tried so hard mom. You just didn’t want to.

This was evident when you and Tim decided to move to Florida. This meant we wouldn’t be visiting every other weekend. It was honestly a relief. You hardly ever called us. You just abandoned us. At first it was hard. Then it got easier to just put you out of my mind. I don’t see how you could just leave us like that. I now know it is because you were running from the law. You had stolen money from your workplace. The charges were dropped.

From the time I was thirteen until I was seventeen we only talked a few times on the phone, and we only visited a couple of times. I was seventeen when you moved back to Tennessee. You wanted to resume every other weekend visits. We were not thrilled about it, but at Dad’s urging we decided to give it a try. It was at the first weekend visit that we had told you and Tim about our plans to go with our family to Disney World for Christmas that year.

Tim said we would see about that. He said y’all were supposed to get us for Christmas Day according to court documents. This was true, but seeing as we hadn’t done this for four years, we figured we weren’t doing it anymore. I think the true reason behind this was to try and get back at Dad. But in the end, it was only hurting us kids, we had looked forward to this trip for some time. Dad went back to his lawyer. The judge ruled that we would be able to go to Disney World for Christmas.

It was after this that it was our decision whether we would like to continue visitation. Dad said we should, but none of us wanted to. We were already used to you not being there. I invited you to my high school graduation. I hoped you would be there. You weren’t. You did leave a card in my mailbox and drive off without saying anything to me. The next day I came by to see you. Shortly after this you decided to leave Tim for beating you up all the time.

I rarely saw you, even though we lived close to one another. It wasn’t until you moved into the house across the street from your mom. I was visiting you a lot more, a last-ditch effort to try and save our relationship. I liked visiting you, I always had a good time. I felt like we were getting to know each other again. You were the witness at my courthouse wedding. (We always intended to have a vow renewal in a church where everyone could be there)

Since we got married on Cinco de Mayo, we had a party that evening. I invited you to come out to our apartment, since you had never seen it. We were having a good time. Hubs had a friend from his work show up at our place. This friend was 19 years old. You were forty-one. That didn’t stop you. The fact that he was my husband’s friend should have stopped you. You got into a relationship with this man. This was very strange for me, and I did not approve. You don’t have to get my permission, but it was very hard for me to get past this.

The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back was when we came over for dinner one night. We were all sitting outside having a nice time when you went behind the house with another guest. When you came back, the air smelled like marijuana. You know that I don’t do drugs, or associate myself with anyone that does. I guess that’s why you went behind the house. I got up from my chair and walked across the street to your mom’s house to visit with her. I was so angry at you. You came across the street and said not to be mad at you. I told you I wasn’t, but I really really was.This was the undoing of the very fragile relationship we had for a short time. I saw you less and less after this.

Come to find out, you did want help. You checked into a mental health facility. When you got out you were doing so much better for a while. You were working, you were living in a nice house. I am not sure if you were doing drugs. Things started to go downhill when you started seeing a man you met while you were in the hospital.

This man lived with his parents, and you moved in with them too. None of you had a job, y’all lived off of disability and social security. All you did was drink and do a bunch of drugs. This man had been  hitting you and verbally abusing you. I have only met this man one time, but that’s all it took. I don’t like him, and if he beats you up, he is not the man for you. You always say he is fine when he is not high. Why do you think you deserve to be hit by a man? You don’t. You needed to get yourself together, and stop doing drugs.

It was around this time that you got arrested. The reason you came back to Tennessee was because you stole money from your job in Florida, so you were running from the law yet again. This time though, the charges were not dropped. You were released on probation. I saw you once during this time. Your speech was slurred, and you kept shaking your legs. You looked like you were coming down from something. I hated it. You didn’t look or act like my mom. I can’t stand to see that person, I just want my mom back. It hurt me so bad.

You decided for some reason it would be a good idea to run from the law once again by going to Ohio with your abusive boyfriend. You skipped out on your probation officer. This is when you were arrested again. You have been in prison in Florida ever since.This is why I haven’t written to you in jail. I stopped letting you hurt me. It will take a lot for me to let you in again, and you have to make the first move.

Your release is coming up. I think if we are to ever have a relationship, you will need to get yourself together. You need to stop doing drugs, stop dating men that hit you, get a job, go to church, and love yourself first. You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. I wish that my brothers and I were enough for you, but we aren’t. You have to want to change. I hope with all my heart that I get to see this happen.

 

Eeyore

Jeez, I am such a downer today. Maybe because I don’t think I got the job. I really, really wanted this job. I really think it would help me to get out of this slump I am in. Plus I think I would be a good fit for it. But they have not called me. I also got an 80 on my quiz for my class. My over-dramatic brain thinks that I can no longer make an A. This is not true. I can totally make an A, I just have to focus and do better on the rest of the quizzes.

I was also supposed to write a paper that is due tomorrow, but I have been watching TV instead. Also my husband wants me to cook dinner. Meh. Sometimes I don’t even change out of my pjs until I know he is on his way home. I need to snap out of it!

I feel like Eeyore. My tail is held on by  little nail, but at least it is adorned with a pretty pink bow. I am always expecting the next bad thing to happen to me. The other day hubs and I had a conversation. It went like this.

Me: This year has been the best and the worst year of my life. I won’t be sad to say goodbye to 2012.

Him: You mean it was good because I got this job, and bad because of all the miscarriages?

Me: Yep. Seems like if something good happens to us, something equally bad happens too. We have horrible luck.

Him:We better not play the lottery. If we won, one of us would probably die. Which would you rather be?

I told him I would rather die first. I also told him he had permission to remarry as long as he waited around ten years. That way the gold diggers have time to forget who he is, and he can be assured it would be for love.

I feel like my “house” is constantly mistakenly being destroyed and I have to keep rebuilding it. When I am rebuilding I am always trying to find the next good thing to look forward to. For example, I have spent whole days just sitting on the couch doing nothing but watching TV.(like today) I have listened to sad music or watched sad movies because I just need to cry it out.

Then the next day when I wake up, I go to the gym and maybe get some things done around the house. I feel pretty good. like things are looking up. Then it hits me again. I can’t sleep at night. Since I didn’t sleep, I can’t wake up until after 9 the next morning. This time last year we were experiencing our second miscarriage.

I found out I was pregnant the Sunday before Thanksgiving. I made an appointment to see my Dr. for that Monday because I was spotting a little bit.(This was the group of doctors before I switched to my current Gyn, who is wonderful!) When I went in, I ended up seeing the Dr. that was on-call. He said he didn’t know why I was so concerned and that lots of  pregnant women experience spotting in early pregnancy.

I felt a little relieved. They took blood and he wanted me to come back in on Wednesday for more blood work to make sure my beta level had doubled. The bank where I worked closes early the day before Thanksgiving, so I was trying to get ready to close out for the day when the dreaded phone call came.

He said that my levels didn’t double and I should expect to start experiencing some cramps and bleeding, and to set up another appointment in a few days for blood work. I was in denial because apart from the slight spotting nothing else was happening. I went home, got in my bed and stayed there until Friday.

I had to miss my family’s Thanksgiving dinner. I googled all day about betas that didn’t double, but still resulted in a healthy pregnancy. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed for anything in my life. I got up and went to work on Friday. That’s when the bleeding started.

Saturday was supposed to be Thanksgiving dinner for my husband’s family. He said we didn’t have to go unless I wanted to. I was thinking about staying in bed all day, but in the end made the decision to go. I felt like having extra support from my MIL would be a good thing.

In the car on the way I started feeling really bad cramps that came in waves, like every ten minutes. Sometimes they were so bad that I curled into the fetal position in my seat. This went on the whole two and a half hour drive. When we finally arrived I went straight to the bathroom. I was in so much pain. I passed a clot that was the size of an egg, but I was too afraid to look closely.

I threw up in the trashcan. I was horribly embarrassed by the whole incident because my MIL had to clean the trashcan for me. Passing the tissue helped my cramps to subside some, and I slept on the couch while everyone had dinner. Then we went home. And I am pretty sure I stayed in my bed until Monday when I had to get up for work.

I hate that E.P.T commercial where there is a pregnancy test that is positive and she is like “okay, be positive”, then it is. I also hate the one where she is like “I want to be a mom, just not yet. Phew, I am good”. Both stab me in the heart a little bit.

Thanks for noticing me.

Random

I always hate it when I find a blog and start following someone’s story, then they stop posting. They fall off the face of the earth and I am left wondering if they got their BFP, or how their pregnancy is progressing. I guess I just need to see a bunch of happy endings to still have hope that I will get mine. So sorry for not updating yall lately. It really is because nothing is going on. I am so boring.

I had my regular yearly appointment with my gynecologist. While I was there I explained to her that my current RE is doing the exact same thing she was doing when I was under her care. Except now it costs us a thousand dollars each time we attempt to get pregnant. She told me that since we ran all the normal tests for RPL, and everything came back fine, that she would be okay with me coming back to her and just paying the copay when I come in for day 21 blood work. This is such a relief to us. Now I don’t feel like I am under so much pressure. We are still sticking to the plan of waiting just a little while longer before trying again.

I texted my SIL this week because I knew she had her ten week appointment. She sent me a picture of my little niece or nephew. It looks like a little gummy bear. Adorable! I am going to be the best aunt ever! Even though it shocked me a little and hurt me when I found out, I am finally coming around. I am trying to take something negative and make it constructive and positive so it doesn’t hurt me anymore. I told her I would help her plan a gender reveal party. So I am looking forward to that.

I had a job interview today. I thought it went well. I am not sure I am completely ready to give up the freedom of staying home full time, but I just can’t justify it. I don’t have any children, and I am almost done with my Bachelor’s. It is time. I know they had quite a few candidates, but as soon as I walked in the door I knew this is where I want to work. I can only hope that a lot of the other candidates committed interview dont’s such as wearing jeans, texting, or showing up late.

I came to the realization today that every time I enter a room full of people I don’t know, and especially if they are looking at me, I always say “helllooooooo” in my head courtesy of Mrs. Doubtfire. Sometimes I even fight the urge not to say it out loud. Just say hello like a normal human being. Gosh.

Did people used to say “We don’t serve your kind here” in bars for real?

What do yall think of spanking? As in misbehaving children, not significant others.

What movie are you looking forward to seeing in the next couple of months? Don’t say Twilight, although I myself will be seeing that because I have to see it through until the end. I will wait for the hoopla to die down a bit though. I find it extremely annoying to pay ten bucks to see a movie where a bunch of people scream “Edward” or “Jacob” at the screen the whole time.

I think I should get paid to watch movies and give my opinion.

I think I should get paid to… never mind.

My husband was born in California, so he makes fun of the way I talk sometimes. He thinks it is really hilarious when I say hose pipe. The first time I said it he had no idea what I was talking about. I was so frustrated. I was all like “that long green thing that you connect to the spigot, water runs through it. You know, you water your plants and fill pools with it”. He said, “oh you mean garden hose. You know it’s not a pipe right”? It is called a hose pipe though. I can’t be the only one.

My bed is calling my name. Good night yall. ❤