Jeez, I am such a downer today. Maybe because I don’t think I got the job. I really, really wanted this job. I really think it would help me to get out of this slump I am in. Plus I think I would be a good fit for it. But they have not called me. I also got an 80 on my quiz for my class. My over-dramatic brain thinks that I can no longer make an A. This is not true. I can totally make an A, I just have to focus and do better on the rest of the quizzes.

I was also supposed to write a paper that is due tomorrow, but I have been watching TV instead. Also my husband wants me to cook dinner. Meh. Sometimes I don’t even change out of my pjs until I know he is on his way home. I need to snap out of it!

I feel like Eeyore. My tail is held on by  little nail, but at least it is adorned with a pretty pink bow. I am always expecting the next bad thing to happen to me. The other day hubs and I had a conversation. It went like this.

Me: This year has been the best and the worst year of my life. I won’t be sad to say goodbye to 2012.

Him: You mean it was good because I got this job, and bad because of all the miscarriages?

Me: Yep. Seems like if something good happens to us, something equally bad happens too. We have horrible luck.

Him:We better not play the lottery. If we won, one of us would probably die. Which would you rather be?

I told him I would rather die first. I also told him he had permission to remarry as long as he waited around ten years. That way the gold diggers have time to forget who he is, and he can be assured it would be for love.

I feel like my “house” is constantly mistakenly being destroyed and I have to keep rebuilding it. When I am rebuilding I am always trying to find the next good thing to look forward to. For example, I have spent whole days just sitting on the couch doing nothing but watching TV.(like today) I have listened to sad music or watched sad movies because I just need to cry it out.

Then the next day when I wake up, I go to the gym and maybe get some things done around the house. I feel pretty good. like things are looking up. Then it hits me again. I can’t sleep at night. Since I didn’t sleep, I can’t wake up until after 9 the next morning. This time last year we were experiencing our second miscarriage.

I found out I was pregnant the Sunday before Thanksgiving. I made an appointment to see my Dr. for that Monday because I was spotting a little bit.(This was the group of doctors before I switched to my current Gyn, who is wonderful!) When I went in, I ended up seeing the Dr. that was on-call. He said he didn’t know why I was so concerned and that lots of  pregnant women experience spotting in early pregnancy.

I felt a little relieved. They took blood and he wanted me to come back in on Wednesday for more blood work to make sure my beta level had doubled. The bank where I worked closes early the day before Thanksgiving, so I was trying to get ready to close out for the day when the dreaded phone call came.

He said that my levels didn’t double and I should expect to start experiencing some cramps and bleeding, and to set up another appointment in a few days for blood work. I was in denial because apart from the slight spotting nothing else was happening. I went home, got in my bed and stayed there until Friday.

I had to miss my family’s Thanksgiving dinner. I googled all day about betas that didn’t double, but still resulted in a healthy pregnancy. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed for anything in my life. I got up and went to work on Friday. That’s when the bleeding started.

Saturday was supposed to be Thanksgiving dinner for my husband’s family. He said we didn’t have to go unless I wanted to. I was thinking about staying in bed all day, but in the end made the decision to go. I felt like having extra support from my MIL would be a good thing.

In the car on the way I started feeling really bad cramps that came in waves, like every ten minutes. Sometimes they were so bad that I curled into the fetal position in my seat. This went on the whole two and a half hour drive. When we finally arrived I went straight to the bathroom. I was in so much pain. I passed a clot that was the size of an egg, but I was too afraid to look closely.

I threw up in the trashcan. I was horribly embarrassed by the whole incident because my MIL had to clean the trashcan for me. Passing the tissue helped my cramps to subside some, and I slept on the couch while everyone had dinner. Then we went home. And I am pretty sure I stayed in my bed until Monday when I had to get up for work.

I hate that E.P.T commercial where there is a pregnancy test that is positive and she is like “okay, be positive”, then it is. I also hate the one where she is like “I want to be a mom, just not yet. Phew, I am good”. Both stab me in the heart a little bit.

Thanks for noticing me.


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